Where do I pick up and the past ends?

I feel like I've been letting my life float past me. Day by day, every second right past me. I think I caught a glimpse of the minutes escaping me. Slowly my eyes are opening up. I know I need to jump back on and start life again, but I don't know where to start. I'm going to start looking for a job in a salon soon. Not for money or anything, but because I love my work so much that I need to take the next step. I have to admit that it's scary trying to put the small broken pieces of yourself back together. One by one, trying to remember how fragile they were before. Some times in life dreams don't come true. It's hard to absorb that thought. Dreams don't always come true. I guess that's why dreams come and go. We change and our dreams can change. As something fails, something changes, and evolves in life. I'm evolving in my life. I'm not sure what I really want, but I have an idea, and a foundation to stand on. God provides. I will be stronger this time, maybe less likely to pull away and close off. Here's to dreams.

Long time for a stranger, short time for a bomb

How can a person love their life, and yet hate it so much? I love school, for the first time in a long time. It gets hard to wake myself up and follow the same routine, but I manage. Cosmetology fits me. It's more then just hair and make-up. I have a chance to make people feel a little better about themselves. That part of my life is great. It all makes sense to me. I get how that works and how it fits into my life and future plans. I can't say anything similar for the rest of my life. Nothing fits together. My sister gave her kid, a 15year old trouble maker in girls jeans, to my parents and it's all going down hill. I can't stand him. I hate having him live with us. I can honestly say that he's a bad kid! Smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, lies, cutting class, failing grades. Where does it end? When I was in high school I was not perfect. As an adult I can admit that, but how can you let a kid who's been caught doing all of these things get away with it?!? It's almost as frustrating as the religion Oprah started (look it up, shes kinda crazy!!!). I feel a little silly thinking I would buy this house from my parents and live here. Now I just want to move out and run away. I was so close to my parents, then they moved him in. They always pick his side and even when he steals from me they just think I'm paranoid and need therapy. I feel like I sound so childish. I wish I could change the way I feel about all of this but I can't. I've changed the past few months. I'm moody, and depressed, and feel alienated in my own home. Some 15 year old thinks he can boss me around and even though I'm his aunt treat me with total disrespect and threaten to slap me in the face. Of course I stand up for myself, but then my mother tells me I'm being a brat. I don't think I can stand this much longer. I am so worried that I will have to pay to take a leave from school to get a job and my own place. Too bad that I don't have a car because they sank money for a new one of trying to fix the old one. In case you were wondering, the car got worse and I don't have one now. I just feel trapped. Even screaming doesn't release the pressure in my head anymore. As an adult I don't know why I allow myself to be put in this position. I feel like I've turned into a powder keg, and at any moment I could run out of fuse. What happened to me? God, I need you're help!

I wish I had a river, I could skate away on

I live in Michigan. My heart lived here, my family, my home. So why do I want to run away from here? I have moments where I picture not living in this house any more, and I become so sad. I have lived in this house my whole life. I have the option of moving to florida for a few months for a job, and I am so scared. I want to be able to go, but I don't think I can. I live my life by what if's. And thinking about leaving makes me feel so many of them. What if I get lonely, what if I miss home, or my family or my dog. What if something bad happens to any of them when I leave. I always seem to be able to leave things behind, so why not now? Moving into a new apartment, not so scary. Moving away where I wont be able to come to my house and sit and know that it's my home. I can't do. So why does a part of me want to go.

Draining

I feel like I'm running into a brick wall over and over again. Like I'm trying by myself to push a truck down the road with one arm behind my back. I keep pushing and pushing and can't even move an inch. I wake up and go and go and go, get absolutly no where, go to sleep, then wake up to do it all over again. I have very little free time and I hate it. I don't even make enough to lease a used car or rent a crappy one room apartment where I resort to candles. I doubt that at the rate I go that I could even buy that many candles.



This Bites. God please help me!

Dropping the ball

One day we forget that time keeps going. It moves on in seconds and priceless moments that we fight to regain but never will. I can not say if I am pleased with the time that has passed me by, or the changes that this passing time has brought me. Friends come and go. We find ourselves so close to another person, but still strugle to let them completly know our hearts. Thank God I have him so some one else knows my heart because there are moments when I don't even know it. For a short time in our very significant lives we crash into others and make conections. We can not really tell if they are big conections or small conections, yet we make them. I realize that I am the type of person who makes lots of conections, but more times then none will let them slip away from me. How odd is it that I can be decribed as a person with a fear of being left behind or abandoned so I push people a side in my own way and feel abondoned because they let me do it. I know that I need to find a place in myself where I can learn not to push or have a fear of being pushed.

I can not take back anything. I can not regret my actions because on some level of being that is what I wanted. I can't help but think of all the good memories I have had, and what I have chosen to miss out on. Lord help me find content and resolution for the issues I face.

I drop the ball. I have walked away from the game and wondered why no one has come after me and sought out my company. I am making an attempt to change this behavior in myself. I don't expect people to understand this. I try. I am trying.

My Job

I have realized that I do enjoy my job while I am there.... So as long as it does not cause me an intense amount of problems from this point on I will not be looking for a new job and will keep the one I have. There are worse jobs to have, so I really shouldn't cry and moan about it.

On a different note, the 21st is the first day of spring. Hooray! I love warm weather and bright sunshine. I am really hoping that this patch of warm weather stays with us this time. Nothing was better then the warm 60 degrees we had last week.


I am one hundered percent sure that Jesus hates winter. No doubt about it.



God bless!

Problem

I think that I might have become one of the most indedisive girls in Michigan.






Not good.